The summer of 2014 I was dating this beautiful Black man. He was tall, fit, had a shiny well kept beard, and was incredible in bed. This was the guy women warn you about.

I was (and I hate to sound so crude… but it is the truth) dickmatized. Although he was amazing in bed, he was not caring, nor kind, or thoughtful. I distinctly remember him telling me on our first date that “in NYC there are 10s all around. You’re a 10, but there goes a 10 too”. This is why Sagittarius men get such a bad rep, he wasn’t lying, but who says that on a first date? And yet, I did not let that stop me… I was entranced by his deep voice and despite all the other 10s at the bar, all I could see was his glistening cocoa butter smothered skin and his pretty brown eyes.

Anyway, I wish I could say that after I got home from that date I came to my senses and I never saw him again… but you already read the part about dickmitization. And I am not in the business of lying to myself or to you (my wonderful audience). So, please know that instead I dove head first into DEEP like, and could not get enough of him.

August of 2014 I took a big solo trip. I decided I wanted to go to Spain and learn more about the land my father was from (he was born in Galicia, and I had visited with my mother and met him when I was 17). This time, at 28 years old, I wanted to see other places. So I quietly planned two weeks to four cities.

The sagiterrorist, let’s call him Lance (after Lance Sullivan played by Morris Chestnut in the Best Man — good looking but an ass), he knew about this trip. Because I could not shut up about it. And because despite all the thoughtless actions he had committed to prove to me he did not give a fk about my feelings and that we were a CASUAL THING, in my head he was BAE. And bae is my pal. Bae gets pillow talk.

When I got to my first city, Barcelona, where Shakira used to live, I could not help myself. I had to call him! I HAD to tell him about my trip so far! Remember, in my head he was bae. This is how the conversation went more or less:

Me: Lance! Hiiiii (heart eyes), so glad you picked up

Lance: Oh hey… (confusion in his voice)… how’s it going?

Me: It’s so great! I saw something and thought of you so I bought it for you. Was just thinking of you and wanted to call.

Lance: (awkward silence)… that’s sweet… listen, you should go enjoy your time in Barcelona, no need to call me, go explore.

Me: oh ok… (trails off in sadness) … bye

This is obviously not verbatim, but it encapsulates the sentiment, (although if I went into my G-Chat from 2014 I am sure there is a word for word recollection of this conversation. But he absolutely said don’t call, go enjoy.

A few things to note here:

1. If I buy gifts for you, especially when I am traveling, I really fkin like you. That’s my Taurus sun taking lead. If we go together, I am bringing you a treat.

2. His brutally honest response to me wanting to talk to him broke my heart into a zillion pieces. That’s the pisces moon wearing rosy glasses, because I already told you what time he was on. And it was not on Yari time.

3. Partly, and I cannot say consciously, this gave me permission to go do me. Saying yes to flirting sessions from Barcelona to Malaga. And it was lovely.

I had forgotten about this story until this June, when I was in Porto and my mind was being consumed by thoughts of this guy I had just gone on one date with in Madrid. Let’s call him Eric (after Prince Eric from the little mermaid, because he looks like him but 20x better with beautiful green eyes and long lashes — ya’ll know the lashes I’m talking about). Anyway, Eric was running havoc on my mind and I was feeling sad and confused about the very hot/cold interaction we were having on texts. He was texting me, but there was an air of disinterest as if he was obligated to follow up with me, and it put my anxious attachment style in high alert.

And then Lance’s voice popped into my head: you should go explore and enjoy.

Here I was, in one of the most beautiful cities on earth, at my own leisure, with zero obligations to other humans, and I was letting a man I had one date with move into my mental space, kick up his feet, and take a nap. Lance was saying: why are you letting this person be a distraction from this moment? What is this about?

Later that night I went out to dinner, and gave those questions some thought. Why was I so quick to hang off the ledge for a man I did not know? Why was my reaction to their lack of interest so deeply felt? And where was this coming from? The answers poured in, and I quietly cried about what my soul confessed. This was a pattern. One that was attached to a larger story I grew up hearing and continued to tell myself as an adult. A story I have slowly been releasing over the last three years.

My default mode is to put the man I am interested in first. It is not a unique attribute. Rather one most hetero women can relate to (if you don’t, mazel!). It is something I saw women in my family do. As well as girl friends. And I am determined to make it obsolete in my life. At least in the way that it is currently programmed. And after that cathartic cry I had while looking at the lit up city of Porto, I mentally told Eric he had to go nap somewhere else.

Porto was truly a portal (I’d be remiss not to add that there was a full moon in Sagittarius that weekend which was all about shedding light on emotional truths, so Lance was perhaps more present than I imagined), and it led me down a number of mental corridors. The first one led me to think about how I want to feel with the men I interact with, even if dating casually. I saw that if I asked myself “do I like how this feels” the answer came to me, “yes… no…” and I could then follow up with “why?” and “how do you want to feel instead?”. Guiding me towards getting to know myself even more intimately.

Another corridor led me to a concept I had loosely read about in “If the Buddha Dated” a book my friend Raven gifted me, called ‘non-attachment’. It is one of the key buddhist philosophies.

Non-attachment is the practice of letting go of our attachment to things that are impermanent and ultimately unsatisfying. This includes material possessions, relationships, and our own thoughts and emotions. Non-attachment does not mean that we should avoid these things altogether, but rather that we should not become attached to them in a way that causes suffering when they inevitably change or disappear.

They also have another concept called the middle way.

The middle way is the practice of finding balance and avoiding extremes. This involves avoiding both excessive indulgence and extreme asceticism, and instead finding a balance between pleasure and pain, and between attachment and non-attachment.

AND

Non-attachment and the middle way are complementary concepts in Buddhist philosophy. Non-attachment helps to cultivate the mental discipline necessary to follow the middle way. By letting go of attachment, individuals can better avoid the extremes of indulgence and denial, which can lead to suffering. Similarly, the middle way helps individuals to develop the mental clarity necessary to cultivate non-attachment. By finding balance and harmony in life, individuals can better see the impermanence of all things, including their own thoughts and emotions. (source)

This corridor was refreshing! Because here is a way of thinking I could grow into as I learn to let go of this larger story about what dating/love is supposed to be or not be. It pairs nicely with acceptance and not trying to change anyone, especially not a potential partner/lover/friend.

Spirit said, “now you’re getting it. Let Eric, and any other man that comes into your life be exactly who they are, without you running interference. Let go. Stop rolling down the hill of what if’s… you do not know what lays ahead. You do not know what will come. Instead be present and ask yourself, does this feel good? Do I like how I am being treated? Do I enjoy getting to know this person? Is this exchange enriching my life? And then choose if you want to participate in that interaction. Remember that it’s not about them. It’s about you”.

You might be thinking, “I don’t know Yari, ‘it’s about you’ sounds selfish to me”. And that would be incorrect-o. I don’t plan on changing the way I show affection or gratitude in meaningful relationships with men (whether those are short or long). And since I do not have the proper language yet, here is MJ Ross from the internet explaining this concept even further:

“Non-attachment in relationships is not indifference or apathy to another person. It’s an absence of fear. Fear and clinginess comes from a sense of impending loss.

However, if we go into a relationship or exist in a relationship already knowing that things may change or shift (for better or worse), we rid ourselves of pressure and burdening expectations. We can approach the relationship and issues with an open heart and simply see what unfolds naturally”. (source)

This also does not mean that I can’t have intentionality in how I approach dating (more of this in the next newsletter). However, I am all for removing pressure and fear from my life. How about you?

Okay babes! I will stop here, and share more in the second part about dating abroad (this is a whole series in the making), so you can ponder a bit about what I just asked. Or so you can go back to whatever/whoever is taking a nap in your mental space.

In the meantime, here’s a playlist for making love together or solo! It includes some French and Spanish songs. Catching orgasms in different languages issa vibe.

(omg Yari! where did this come from? hey, I never said dating abroad wasn’t fun, just because I am growing spiritually doesn’t mean I can’t make time for pleasure (the middle way)! Plus we are having a Venus in Leo summer and as a Leo rising this is muy importante).

until next time,

your international bae

PS

• I did give the sagiterrorist his gift (I know I know), and afterwards ended things.

• Prince Eric is a lovely man going through his own moment, and while I chose not to see him again ( he did ask to hang), I wish him all the wonderful things. Love included. Because sometimes it’s a great person, but wrong timing.

• If there are songs you think should be added to the playlist, send them!

• Janelle Monáe’s album ‘The Age of Pleasure’ is also a great ode to Venus in Leo